34
Today marks the completion of my 34th year on this planet. I don't have 34 life lessons or things I learned in the past year that I can pull out of my sleeve, unfortunately.
Here's one thing I learned, though: Even if things don't make sense, just keep going. In his famous Stanford speech, Steve Jobs said you can only connect the dots looking backwards, and he's right about that. It has been probably 10 or more years since I first heard this speech, but only now I start to understand it.
A lot of things will not make any sense if you are in the midst of them. You might wonder how any of this will ever be useful or bring your closer to where you want to be. You have to trust in yourself that it will all work out in the end. That you are capable to do something that will help you do some other thing in the future.
The thing I learned for myself is that what I think where I want to be is very limited in perspective. I don't know half of the places worth being I could end up in. They exist, but you only learn about them by doing. Some of them you create by doing a certain combination of things.
What I also learned is that things will only ever make sense for a brief period of time until they stop making sense again. I used to not like that fact, but it is a good thing, really. It means you arrived somewhere and decided you want to go further still. You're still growing.
My life advice for you (not that you asked) is to embrace the chaos, the feeling of uncertainty, the unknown.
In other news: I still don't enjoy my birthday. I don't like the idea of being celebrated for the achievement of not dying.
In my 20s, I thought this would give my character an edgy touch. Turning 30, I thought that's just how I am. Now, I think that there is an underlying reason for this. I think I struggle with the idea of people celebrating and showing affection for no reason. Non-transactional. I guess some part of me does not feel worthy of love.
So that's another uncomfortable thing to think about. But I think if I'm uncomfortable with it long enough, there might be something worthwhile coming out of it. Maybe I can enjoy my 35th birthday.
